I went to Mexico for the first time last time last week. My buddy Terry decided to get married and I guess he decided he wanted to go to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico. I don’t know how much research was done (perhaps none) but they decided on Secrets The Vine and it’s an awesome looking resort from the pictures. It’s also a couples resort.

For 11 dudes…

Cool.

I’ve never had a desire to go to an all-inclusive resort but I mean, I’ve got to try it out right? On paper, all you can eat, all you can drink and nothing but relaxing sounds amazing. Room service too? Why are we not already in Cancun? Oh it’s seven months out, got it.

…

Walking into the hotel lobby you’re greeted with some champagne and directed to go check-in. Which is nice ’cause I chugged it and got to stand around with an empty champagne flute while waiting in line. This place is already losing stars from my Yelp and Trip Advisor reviews. I get to the front of the line and they say “oh hey we ran out of your rooms” and I wasn’t worried ’cause it happens so they upgraded me to the honeymoon suite. It’s pretty baller but also Destiny’s way of telling me “hey you’re single still mofo.”

Thanks, I guess.

Check this shit out!

So we get there and I learn what it’s like to have everything be all-inclusive. We can drink what we want. Mango margaritas? Tequila shots? Any shots? Done deal.

Which is all very nice but really, it’s not my style. I’m not very good at vacationing and always having things to do every day. I booked an excursion as I thought everyone was going but only half them bitches were going so I gave my spot to my cousin because lol waking up at 0730 when it’s all you can drink nope

I woke up at 0630 and since I had nothing to do I went back to bed. Damn it.

At any rate, it was 4 nights and 5 days of eating and drinking all the foods. Of all those meals, I only had one fantastic dish and that was the veal at the Italian place so if you ever go to Secrets the Vine you should totes go there and get that for every meal.

The rest of the time I wasn’t eating, I was reading my Kindle and I realized that I could have my ideal vacation anywhere and probably a lot cheaper.

Here are some highlights:

• Terry spent $38 on laundry
• Drinking El Jimador every day
• Not being sunburned
• Hanging out with friends in various rotations
• Blowing out my leg on the beach
• Yong being a weirdo
• Dallas crushing the Karaoke. We sang our asses off on “I Want It That Way”….tell me whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
• Drinking El Jimador every day
• Sitty eating all the dinners
• Kham giving up on recording video/taking pics
• Room service
• Taking a bath in my living room
• Seeing the Freddie Mercury impersonator. He’s got most of the mannerisms down and I know this because I watched all the Live Aid and Queen live videos on the youtubes
• Veal

I guess it’s not all about me though. We had some and the trip to Coco Bongo was saved by the Freddie Mercury impersonator. Dude had his movements down cold. I only know that ’cause I’ve watched his live videos like 200 times. It was a fun trip though but 5 days with those dudes…2 days too many? I’d recommend it if you’re into that sort of thing- being pampered like you’re rich.

Basically I’m the least fun person to go on vacation with. Everyone please go away on your trips without me, thanks.